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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 16, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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(cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, everybody. that is our show, i just want to say once again, we're with you, guys. although i wouldn't mind if the nicks took you in seven. that's all i'm saying! we're still with you.
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our hearts go out, we love you, but the nicks haven't won a playoff series. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> there are countless stories of acts of kindness by strangers, runners after the blast happening running to aid the victims, not just that but also running, crossing the finish line and running directly to mass general captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> colbert: tonight! hey, look, before we begin, i just want to take a moment to talk about the attack in boston yesterday. obviously our thoughts and our prayers are with everybody there. as the president said, we don't know who did this, but they will
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be found and they will be brought to justice. but whoever did this obviously did not know anything about the people of boston because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. for pete's sake, boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckled their god-damned hats on. it is the cradlate american revolution, a city that withstood an 86-year losing streak, a city that made it through the big dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years. i mean, there are commuter just getting home now. even their bands are tough. it's the hometown of aerosmith who in their fifth decade are still going strong even steven tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman. but here's what these cowards
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really don't get. they attacked the boston marathon, an event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw... for fun. and they have been holding it in boston since 1897. and do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whale bone corset? and when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. ( cheers and applause ) so here's what i know. these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are. now, this is the colbert report. ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) steve hello. welcome to the report, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: thanks, america. folks, welcome to the report. i'm stephen colbert, and if you are a regular viewer of this show -- and i hope you are -- then you know that i calls 'em like i sees 'em, and i sees 'em with poorly structured grammares. this is tip of the hat, wag of
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the finger. ( cheers and applause ) folks, i certainly hope you've been enjoying the arrival of spring, the longer days, the chirping birds, the blooming flowers. and the coming plague. >> scientists are predicting a massive onslaught of cicada bugs this year specifically what's known as the brood ii cicadas >> they will infest the east coast from north carolina to new york's hudson valley and connecticut >> colbert: there is nowhere to hide, folks. we're about to face the bug-pocalypse, swarm-ageddon or as i'm calling it, brood ii: lech trick bug-aloo. that's why i'm giving a wag of my finger to brood ii cicadas not for swarming, no. not for swarming, folks. but this. >> for 17 years of being dormant underground the creatures on the cicadas are about to mass.
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a massive group numbering in the billions last seen in this area in 1996. >> colbert: thanks, cicadas for reminding me that 1996 was 17 years ago. what the hell? i mean,... ( cheers and applause ) where did the time go? i got to get started on a 401(k). how could 1996 be that long ago? i mean, seinfeld was on and i remember it. jimmy, can i see what i looked like in 1996? oh, my god. what is happening? what is happening to me? ( applause ) am i molting? next up on tippy canoe and the waggy too, folks, i don't like to brag but i've had sex.
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( cheers and applause ) the kind with women. of course, i'm not alone. this entire country is obsessed with intercourse, a.k.a., copulation, fornication, doing it, mary jane, angel dust. the big apple. which is why everyone's always on the lookout for the latest sex enhancer aphrodisiac or ukrainian email promising to make lady say sex boom big big big big. well, the canadians, our neighbors who are always on top, have a new product to enhance intercourse. jim? >> sexcereal. that is it's name. it's being billed as the world's most passional cereal. it features special natural blends for both men and women. the promos are playful showing a couple at first bored in bed. then throw in some sex cereal and, of course, some sex, which we don't see.
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and the mood picks up. >> colbert: yes, the mood picks up when you throw in some sexcereal and some sex. its manufacturer claims it's part of a balanced breakfast. you'll need that balance when you're doing it in the brek fooft nook. that's why i'm giving a tip of the hat to sex-cereal for making sure we'll never skip breakfast ( cheers and applause ) by which again i mean sex. the old 23 skidoo. because at 6:30 a.m. with bleary eyes and breath like a landfill corpse, who isn't champing at the bit to get bizay? here's how it works >> the cereal boasts all natural ingredients like bee pollen, wheat german pumpkin seeds supposedly all natural stimulants for men and women >> colbert: you do not have to tell me about pumpkin seeds. you should see how i carve a
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jack-o-lantern. ( cheers and applause ) next, nation, i've told you about the republican party's rad new effort to totally connect with us young-americans. well, they've done it again. >> the national republican congressional committee made the move to redesign their website. enter buzzfeed. an all encompassing site that mixes politics, pop culture and weird news from all over the world. >> this is the new site. essentially it's the n.r.c.c.'s attempt to take everything that made buzzfeed work and feed it through a partisan political prism >> colbert: yes the n.r.c.c. is is taking inspiration from poll culture list-making site buzzfeed which itself takes inspiration from a.d.h.d.
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of course, buzzfeed has become famous for highly clickable news items like 18 reasons glass doors are the worse, 9 things squirrels are up to these days, and the 13 most important water color narwhals on etsy. that's why i'm giving a tip of my hat to g.o.p. internet meme. they're a great way to promote core republican values like self-reliance because wouldn't this meme be so much more inspirational if that cat can haz earnd "cheese burger? ( cheers and applause ) well, folks, i've been inter-surfing the new buzzfeed-inspired n.r.c.c. site, and there are ten reasons this adorable pundit loves it. check out this actual story. 13 animals that are really bummed on obama care's third
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birthday featuring this baby seal with the line "obama care is leaving job creators out in the cold" or "this puppy with the line" this puppy is upset that health insurance premiums are actually $3,000 higher since obama care passed." i have not seen such an effective mix of bald political messaging and cuddly animals since gloabls' gerbils and their benighted sub human race posters. so bravo, n.r.c.c., for taking inspiration from buzzfeed. i would not be surprised if they got some ideas from you too like the 18 most embarrassing republican youth outreach fails. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) do?ó?ó?.
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( cheers and applause ) >> colbert: thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. welcome back. nation, i'll tell you, folks, i'll be honest with you, i am no good when it comes to cooking. no matter how many times i try to make the perfect souffle, rosita just seems to get it wrong. maybe i'm not yelling loud enough. i don't know. but the thing that gives me the most trouble in the kitchen is cooking eggs. i mean, once you crack them open, how are you supposed to
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remember which part was the inside and which part was the outside? labels, please. that's why i was so excited to see that there is finally a product on the market that makes cooking eggs possible. >> making eggs make a mess. they stick to the pan. they flop when you flip. and they always drip. and after you cook them up there's all that clean up. what you need is the rollie egg master, the fast, easy, pan-freeway to make perfect eggs every time. >> colbert: yes, the rollie egg master. folks, this is what we've been waiting for. an answer to the question, how can i make my breakfast fit more slugly into my colon? and the rollie egg master is so simple to use. just crack and pour in the eggs. and before you can say "isn't cooking eggs so easy you can actually do it on a sidewalk?"
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presto, they're done. then just sit back and watch as your eggs are slowly extruded towards you like an angry tube worm emerging from its host. and it's all thanks to an incredible innovation in food prep. >> the secret is vertical cooking technology that combines a cylindrical nonstick cooking surface surrounded by a revolutionary heating element. >> colbert: yes, vertical cooking technology which beat out its original name up-pooping. ( cheers and applause ) and that's not even the best part about this yolk-cellent product. >> and what makes rollie egg really great is their new easy-to-eat shape >> colbert: finally an egg shape that's easy to consume. the old egg shapes were so confusing. circles, ellipsoids. moist lumps. what do they think my mouth is
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made of? teeth? and i know what you're saying, greg. you're saying a gelatinous egg cylinder is great for breakfast but what if i want to enjoy a tube of eggs on the go? the rollie egg master has an answer for that too >> because of their round shape you can take them for a quick meal on the run. it's perfect for the office >> colbert: i know when i'm working long hours and i want to take a break there's nothing more refreshing than a hot egg rod. really. ( cheers and applause ) there's reasonable one problem i have with the egg master. even with a product as wonderous as the egg master i'm afraid i'm not getting eggs as fresh as they could be. that's why in conjunction with the good people at prescott appliances, i am proud to introduce the rollie rhode island red, mmmm...
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( cheers and applause ) the first genetically modified chicken that can deliver hot, ready-to-eat eggs right to your mouth. here's what you do. you simply feed the rol erode island red whatever you like in your omlette -- peppers, ham, cheese -- okay. give him a good shake, okay. and then you've got to... hold on there, rollie. then you just plug him in. plug him in like that. get that plugged in right there. and then mmm, mmmm, mmmm, turn it over and leave the rest to our patented oviduct cooking technology. mmmmmm. (chicken clucking) mmmm.
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mmmm. mmmm. oh, i've got to tell you, folks. there is nothing like breakfast straight from the egg hole. and, oh, rest up, rollie, i'm hosting a brunch this sunday. we'll be right back. a
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>> colbert: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book of poetry you should memorize. it's called... i don't know. i'll ask her. please welcome caroline kennedy. ( cheers and applause ) hey, good to see you. how are you? >> good. colbert: good to see you again >> thank you colbert: how have you been? very well colbert: you're the author and editor of ten books on american history, politics, constitutional law and poetry: you got another poetry book here. it's called "poems to learn by heart." >> that's right colbert: why are you so on to poetry? do we need it anymore? we have twitter. it's shorter, you know, better grammar than e.e. cummings >> girls love poetry colbert: they do? yes, they do colbert: i know they like the chocolate and the flowers.
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if you break out a hickory dick ore dock >> not like that, no, no. not like that egg thing, no. >> colbert: the egg thing? by the way, thank you for being here on the night that i ate an egg right out of a chicken's butt. what good is poetry? >> poetry is the language of the human heart. it can help us live our lives. it enriches our lives. it makes everything more intense. everything. and i mean everything. >> colbert: really? yes colbert: but why memorize it? i can understand buying the book. you have a book full of poetry here. but why would i memorize this book? why would you encourage people to steal your book with their minds? >> so you can have it... so you can have it with you and still give it to the people that you love. it just makes everything that you do more interesting. it makes you smarter. i mean, do you like to practice
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sports? do you like to... no? well, do you like to practice praying? >> colbert: yeah, i do. i practice praying. can prayer be a poem? >> it can colbert: can poems be a prayer? >> yes, they can. colbert: okay. i've got a beef with you. >> okay colbert: you have the gettysburg address in here as a poem. that's not a poem. >> it's poetic. colbert: that's a speech. but there's no rhyme in it. >> it inspires us colbert: of the people by the people and for the people doesn't count because you can't rhyme people with people >> that's true. that's too bad >> colbert: do you take your own advice, physician >> what colbert: do you memorize your own poetry? >> not my own but i memorize other poems. i do >> colbert: crack one open right now. what have you got? one stands a. just one stands a. we don't have a lot of time.
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don't do a long one >> you can do that. colbert: one stanz happily onward into the valley of death. (quoting poetry to each other) >> down to a sun lit sea. wouldn't you like to drink the milk of paradise? >> colbert: with burbon. slender as a willow wand, owe clearer than clear water, owe reed by the living pool fair river daughter springtime and summertime and spring again after, oh, wind on the waterfall and the leaves' laughter >> i don't understand that. so much depends on our red wheel bear owe glazed with rain water beside the white chickens
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>> colbert: you need not be so spry concerning matters arty. each to his pace but as for i i like a certain party. i'll take the solid bliss. for whose ideas i'll match you, a pretty girl whose naked is, is worth a million statues. >> all his friends were there. colbert: sure. they all went out for air. colbert: that was e.e. cummings. mine was e.e. cummings. >> okay. well, you know, you have to work on it. >> colbert: what worries me about this is that, a, i don't have room in my head for anything anymore because it's all full of passwords i need for online. >> that's true. colbert: completely filled up. >> poetry can be your password colbert: actually i have a poem that helps me remember my password. two roads diverge in a yellow wood and then three roads diverge and then seven roads and
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then two roads again. and that has made all the pin code. >> that's good. now you're going to have make a new one now that you told everyone >> colbert: can i talk about homer with you for a second >> sure colbert: you know who homer was, right? >> okay colbert: before there were books this is why i don't understand why you would sell a book that encourages people to memorize things because before there were books there was the oral tradition. we didn't need books >> no. now we have them >> colbert: homer would come over to your house for like 24 hours to recite the iliad and the odyssey. you couldn't ask him to leave because he was blind. and that would be creepy. you know, you'd seem like a jerk >> well, you could leave and leave him there. he was blind so he wouldn't see you. >> colbert: that's how you leave. amazing. caroline, thank you so much. caroline kennedy. poems to learn by heart. we'll be right back.
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